Living With Child Loss
Every child lost and every family’s experience is so different that it’s hard to suggest that there’s anything truly universal except for the pain. These are just some examples of how we experienced our loss - the rest of the site is intended to give some ideas of how I am trying to survive.
First week
For us, the first week was a shock like nothing else I had ever experienced - our doctors had told us that she had a cold and then she was just gone. It was a week where everyone rallied around us and we were overwhelmed with love, but I just sat and wailed for my baby.
Service - Planning the service and a final resting place was both excruciating and a time to publicly celebrate the life of our baby.
Week of Family and Friends - As my husband is Jewish, we sat shiva for a week after Tepley’s service and it was such a valuable time to be taken care of by our community. I literally sat on the couch, and people just came and talked. If you are thinking of a wake / visitation time at a funeral home, I would highly recommend inviting people for the week following instead (or in addition to).
Talking to Other Loss Parents - One of the best thing your friends and family can do right at the beginning is introduce you to other parents who have experienced child loss. I would not have survived without them, as they are the only ones who really know what you are experiencing
It’s especially helpful when you find other parents who have experienced loss at a similar child age - whether during pregnancy, in infancy, during childhood about the same age, as adults, etc. My friends who lost toddlers understood our particular sorrow the best of anyone.
First month
Our families stayed with us and friends took turns coming to sit with us and distract us whenever we could handle it.
Asking for Help - After writing everyone to join us at her service, I wrote an email again at 18 days after to update everyone and ask for support. I have been asking for help every month since.
Counseling - We were so fortunate to find a grief counselor the week after Tepley died, especially focusing on traumatic grief including losing a child. Though my husband and I ended up going to different counselors after a few sessions, we went together at the beginning to see what made the most sense.
Grief Groups - We went to our first grief group the week after she died, and it was (way) too soon. One grief was too unstructured for us, but we did find one with a leader who kept things focused that has helped us - we meet up about every six weeks.
Medication - I talked to my new loss parent friends, and they hadn’t taken medication. But I didn’t know if I would make it - the pain was so extreme. I went to my first psychiatrist who only put me on a longer term medication, but the second one (whom I still see) added a shorter term medication that made a huge difference.
First year
We are still in our first year, and everyone has said that the milestone days are the hardest. I find that after almost five months, I still get a few powerful waves a week.
Healing - Someone told me that surviving child loss is like recovering from open heart surgery. For me, the healing has been acknowledging my spiritual side in a whole new way because that’s what felt broken - my heart and my will to live.
Connecting with Your Baby - We went to a grief retreat for her birthday, three months after we lost her, and my goal was to find ways to connect with her, to know that she is okay.
My faith tells me that she is safe and with God, but I have also been working to build a connection back and forth with her. Now I receive signs from her and feel her presence often, which is such an amazing comfort.
Staying Connected to Your Community - For me, the most important thing that my friends and family can do is know that I am thinking about my baby all the time. At almost five months out, I still get multiple texts a week asking to go out for coffee, to talk, or just saying hi.
Moving Forward (Not Moving On) - We both started back to work within a month because we needed a distraction from sitting in the pain all day and to reconnect to the rest of life where we found meaning.
FOREVER
We haven’t made it past the first year yet, but I know that it will include at least two things:
Keeping Our Baby in Our Daily Lives - Talking about her and to her, receiving signs from her, and loving her.
More Deeply Connecting with Others - If this terrible situation has given us anything, it is a deeper connection to our family, friends, and community, both giving and receiving their love.