Receiving Signs After Child Loss

I found this snake on the road during a walk at Golden Willow

One of the ways I’m having the closest connection to my baby now is receiving signs from her.

I guess I believed in signs before Tepley died. My mom always said that my grandmother came to her in butterflies, but I had never really looked for them before. Needless to say, once my baby was gone, I needed one thing more than any other - I needed to know that she was okay.

First, there was the snake

When we went to Golden Willow Retreat, I asked the team there to help me build a connection to Tepley. The hole in my heart was so cavernous because I felt like she had disappeared forever.

One of the lessons that was the most helpful for me was that if you want a spirit to connect with you, you have to make it a two-way street. You have to be open to receiving signs and be grateful for them, and you have to reach out to your loved one through lighting candles or talking to them or whatever makes sense to you. This advice resonated, but I had always been so busy before to see the little things in my path. Furthermore, I lived in New York City, and signs using ‘nature’ seemed like they would be tough to find.

This butterfly comes out of nowhere on 7th Avenue?

Later that week, my husband said he wanted to go for a walk down the dirt road, and as we were headed back in the late afternoon sun, a little rabbit darted out in front of us, looped in a circle, and disappeared again. Knowing that Tepley had just gotten into bunnies (“Bunny!”), I told him it was a sign, and he nodded supportively. It wasn’t quite the enthusiasm I was looking for, but a few steps later, a full snake skin was right in our path. I was thrilled and insisted that we bring it back with us both to Golden Willow and then to New York, while he was not overwhelmed by the spiritual meaning of snakes.

Our counselor Jim assured me that snake skins were a sign of transformation, that snakes shed them because they are growing and will not be able to breathe if they don’t let go of the old. He hoped I too would be able to transform to a new way of living with Tepley’s loss.

One Big Day

I told my mom about this new plan to receive signs from Tepley, and she told me that she was receiving a bunch of signs from her with butterflies. Later that day, she sent me a picture of a huge butterfly that had landed on the side of her hole during her golf game. I was impressed but thought to myself, “That’s great, Mom, but it’s not like I’m going to get a butterfly sighting in this concrete jungle.” I was so hungry for any sign from her that I was even disappointed - maybe she does communicate in butterflies and she can’t get to me.

Then Elmo just shows up…

Then, one day, I was walking down 7th avenue where there are literally no trees for blocks. I looked to my right and there was a huge, beautiful orange butterfly. I was amazed and sent my mom a picture on the way to a random specialty pharmacy had to go to uptown. I had been missing her so desperately, and there she was.

But that wasn’t it. I went uptown to a pharmacy I had only been to a few times before, and they had a new display by the pharmacy counter. It was a few shelves of Sesame Street characters, and right in the middle, there was one Elmo (aka Tepley’s bestie).

Finally, I was there. I got it. She would have several ways to get to me, but I had to be watching.

Feathers are our daily chatting

Feathers are OUR everyday connection

After the butterfly/Elmo day, I went for a walk one weekend morning after a really bad wave of missing her and I asked her for a sign - a sign that she was okay and that she was with me. I was concerned that there wasn’t enough nature in my path but this was my favorite route, so I figured the exercise would do me good.

As I turned on to the walk by the water, I saw a big feather, so I took out my phone and looked up the spiritual meaning of feathers. I was happy but kept walking. Then another feather in front of me. Then another. Then another. At the fourth one, I said, “Okay, thank you, Tepley. I needed that.” I know it sounds a little crazy, but when the pain and the loss are this severe, a little support from your baby is so welcome.

Now, because I’m looking, the feathers come to me almost daily, and I talk to her. I wear jewelry with her name all over it and light candles when I’m at home, and she sends me feathers. And it makes things a little bit better.

Also, this week she really upped her game with using Elmo, for which I was very grateful. First it was a two-year old in a stroller wearing an Elmo t-shirt on a street I turned around to take randomly. Two year old? Elmo? Not that hard to find. Then it was a lanky eighteen year old girl in Soho. Huh.

And then it was this huge, football player-looking dude with the Sesame Street cast t-shirt, and Elmo, in front., stretched around his stomach.