Building a New Spiritual Practice in Child Loss
Whether you are a parent, grand parent, teacher, aunt/uncle, or anyone who has lost a little special angel, building a new spiritual practice with your higher power is one way to move forward / survive.
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
When I had Tepley, the non-work part of my day was spent blending vegetables and doing puzzles. All the sudden, I had so much pain and nothing to do. The hole for parents in child loss is so extreme, but in going through this experience with our parents, her teachers, our siblings, and our friends, we know that the pain is spread to so many people.
I grew up (and still am) Christian, but being from the South, I didn’t realize how religious my days and weeks were. We went to a relaxed but traditional Methodist church, so we did the Easter egg hunts, the youth group events, and choir practice as part of our week. I found all those events comforting and engaging, but really never considered how those activities smoothed out disappointments in other parts of my life.
With Tepley walking, we had a full, fun family life, and we took her to the church preschool where we were thrilled that they openly taught values we agreed with, like inclusiveness and compassion. Coming from different faith traditions (I’m Christian, he’s Jewish), it was the perfect blend of non-denominational good, clean fun.
But after losing her suddenly, the grief was a spiritual pain like I had never felt before. I didn’t want to survive.
But for my husband, my family, my friends, and our future children, I wanted to want to survive, and after a couple of weeks, I realized that the only way I could survive the pain was ask for help.
I have a friend who was an atheist until her son died, and then she couldn’t bear the pain of the emptiness, so she turned to a medium to talk to him. I started with Christianity and a relationship with God, but I definitely understand looking for every way to heal the soul and to connect to your little angel.
DAILY
Yoga - Every morning, I now start with a few of my favorite poses to get the blood flowing. I lose patience quickly, but at least, I feel like I am doing something (small) for my health and mind-body connection.
Prayer - I recently fell in love with the Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi, so I say it every morning as an opportunity to remind myself to do good things. If I have to be on this earth without my baby, I better be living my life every day in contribution to make her proud.
I also ask for prayers when I feel lost and receive prayers / good vibes throughout my days. (So all of you on my text and call list, you know who you are and thank you! And all who send spontaneously, thank you!)
Prayer beads - My friend Y sent me this amazing rose quartz prayer beads that she had kept under her bed after her brother died to help her heal. I use them to prayer for people on my prayer list by just going through the beads saying, “Blessings and love to Natalie, Patricia, and Alexa as they care for the children today.” Then on to the next.
Spiritual reading - I started with this book called The Magic Ten which my sister gave me and is just a yoga book with some other activities. Then I moved on to Pema Chodron’s Awakening Loving- Kindness. I just read a page or two at a time, but the idea is just to get a positive idea to start the day.
I also got these amazing Iris Oracle Cards that are colorful and give a positive intention or consideration for my day from my friend Heather. A little woo-woo for some, but I need all the levity I can get.
Meditation - One of my goals for building meaning from this tragedy is to connect more deeply to and live out my purpose - why I’m still here. Meditation is tough for me right now, but it’s the best way to listen to what’s next.
Weekly
Gratitude list - Every Friday morning, I write a list of things I am grateful for that week in my prayer journal. I never thought I would be a person with a prayer journal, but Patricia gave me one that really connected with me at the perfect time and I’m digging it. (!) This journal also works for prayer ideas, verses, etc. as I try to build a better spiritual vocabulary.
Prayer ties - At our grief retreat, we made prayer ties, and now we take 20 minutes on Sunday before I go to church to do this activity together - putting our intentions/prayers into physical form.
Uplifting service - Our local Episcopal Church has a Compline (a mostly choral service) on Sunday nights, and it’s a calming time to talk to God and to Tepley.
Counseling - It’s not really spiritual per se, but the release of emotion (usually anger and pain) that I get with my therapists helps open me up for the other, more healing parts of my practice.
I transformed her room into a sacred space to connect with her.
Other Things
Grief retreat - We had no idea what to expect when we went to Taos, New Mexico right after the Fourth of July to spend a week at Golden Willow Retreat. The combination of healing across all parts of the person - emotional, intellectual, spiritual, physical - was so valuable for us to experience together and to build a path forward.
Transforming her room - For months after she died, I couldn’t go in her room, even though we had cleared it out. The pain of seeing anything that she touched was so searing that I felt like I was having a heart attack. After our grief retreat, I realized I needed a space to feel close to her at home, so I actually enjoyed making a sacred space and thinking of ways to make it a peaceful zen den devoted to our angel.
Grief groups - Like going to counseling, it’s not truly spiritual practice, but we have personally loved The Dinner Party as a way to feel more connected to others.
Reiki / Shaman - My friend Alli told me right after we lost her that I should visit her shaman, but I wasn’t ready yet. After three months, I got my first reiki and visited the shaman, and it felt amazing to explore the specifics of the different parts of the spirit that need healing - the will, the heart, etc. Highly recommend.
If this list sounds like a lot, that’s because it is. I honestly don’t know what else to do because the pain and the hole I was in felt so dark, I decided to try absolutely every idea people sent my way (thank you!).