Supporting Someone In Child Loss

All of the below are from our experience, so they will definitely not work for every family, but maybe will spark some ideas of how to help. One thing that is important to consider is where you are on the rings of support needed and to get help for yourself, even as you work to assist the parents.

First week

For us, the first week is the worst week of their lives. Depending on how close you are to them, either get involved immediately in arrangements or coordinate with their closest family on how you can help.

• Coordinate Other People - We were so lost that the first thing we needed was a few people to update everyone else. For us, I couldn’t do anything, so my sister used an old email list to keep everyone updated on arrangements so they could fly in / plan ahead, and a close friend, who lives near by, hosted people as they gathered so our house wouldn’t be swarmed right at the beginning.

• Service - We would not have been able to plan the service and or to find final resting place without our community. Offer to help with anything from writing the obituary to printing posters for the service.

• Visiting - For at least the first week, come as often as you can, but only stay for a short while. You know your friends so you know the best amount, but coordinate with others so there is constant support, especially if there are other children to care for.

  • The child’s teachers and friends at school (and their parents) are some of the most important visitors because a) they have so many joyful stories about the little one to share and b) they are likely grieving similarly as they spent so much time with the child.

• Food - We had so much food pouring in the first week that we got a mouse. We were also sitting shiva (my husband is Jewish), so every New York deli sent us something amazing (and huge).

  • Helping to coordinate a meal train, thinking about the parents’ favorite foods (are they vegetarian? drink green juice?), and planning for the weeks after the first set are all really helpful.

First month

Our friends and family took turns coming to sit with us and distract us. They flew in from out of town for a day or two and just brought us their stories (and usually food).

• Constant Texts, Calls, and Visits - Still in shock, we needed constant companionship, but even just the morning texts checking in are so important.

  • “Thinking of Tepley” - The most important messages I have received are from people “thinking about Tepley” when they experienced her favorite things: blueberries, bees, owls, all things navy, ice cream, etc.

• Crying Buddies - Depending on your relationship, you can offer for your friend to text or call when he/she needs a shoulder to cry on. I felt so guilty bothering people with my wailing and crying, so those people who offered to just listen were so critical to my survival.

  • If you know any other parents who have lost children, ask if you can introduce them to the parents. I still have my sister and my friend from high school Darria to thank for introducing me to two other moms who lost toddlers.

• Donations in the Child’s Honor - If they have chosen a charity, give a small donation and be sure to have the confirmation sent to the parents. If not, consider donating something that will be a connection for the parents.

  • We have been overwhelmed by the gifts that have been given in Tepley’s honor. It’s hard to describe the comfort in knowing that others are sharing her light with the world.

• Gifts and Books - Bringing a little photograph of their baby or another gift or book are appreciated for the long road ahead.

  • Books - In addition to specific books and articles on grief overall and particularly child loss, also consider sending books that might be a distraction. My friend Sarah sent me a huge box of books of all types - from The Caine Mutiny to Educated - and a big blanket to read them under.

  • Gifts - Bringing something to give comfort or sending flowers are appreciated, especially a few days after the service when things are starting to sink in. Some categories to think about are:

    • Self-care - Bath items or massage gift certificates to remind the person to care for herself.

    • Candles - My baby has been gone for almost 5 months, and I light candles every day.

    • Faith items - We got gifts from all faith traditions which we now have in Tepley’s sacred space - prayer beads, angels, dream catchers, incense, you name it! I love them all so much, but be sure to consider the faith and personality of the parents in giving.

First year AND BEYOND

The best way to know how to support the parents is to ask, but when in doubt, I think the best thing for us has been to acknowledge we think about Tepley all the time and also to keep including us (even though we’re not as fun as we used to be).

• Remembering Their Baby - There are so many ways to remember the child, including:

  • Lighting a candle on the day they became an angel (and sending a text to the parents)

  • Knowing and celebrating their birthday, which is also a good excuse for a treat in his or her honor

  • Sending “thinking about your baby” texts any and all the time - like until you can’t text any more. These parents are still parents to this child (forever), so celebrate their life with them always.

• Dinners and Outings - Losing a baby just leaves you in a state of shock and depression from which you feel like you will never emerge. The friends who keep visiting, keep calling, and keep our relationship going until we can be equal partners again are literally gifts from God (thank you!!).