The Ring Theory in Child Loss

Psychologist Susan Silk and her friend Barry Goldman wrote an amazing piece in the LA Times about the circles of support in grief - an outline known as the Ring Theory.

The general gist is when someone experiences a traumatic event, that person that is the most affected is in the center and then the rings of being affected go out. Here’s another description from Psychology Today that might be helpful.

Comfort should flow in to the person in the most need, and “dumping” of pain and needs should flow out.

Who IS IN WHICH CIRCLE

So in child loss, the circles might be:

1. Parents and siblings or even just mom

2. Grandparents

3. Aunts, uncles, cousins, close family friends, and the child’s teachers

4. Extended friends

5. Colleagues

6. Friends of grandparents and friends of others in the circles

In reading about this theory, one thing that really stood out to me is not that I was in the very center (I definitely got that…), but the needs of the people in the circles outside of me. I knew that Tepley’s teachers, who spend more time awake with her than we did when she passed away, and our parents and our siblings needed help, but I also knew I couldn’t provide it.

Dumping

Then the original phrasing of this framework is that it helps you figure out “what to say” to be helpful, but I was most interested in the concept of dumping. What is dumping?

As a parent, I was in the darkest hole of my life, but I also felt so much pain for Tepley’s teachers and our parents and our siblings. When I saw their tears, I was worried for them as well.

Most of the time, people were so strong with us, letting us lean on them for support. There were times, however, when the pain of someone on an “outside” circle became too much for me because they could not contain it. Tears with me were so welcome, but wailing was too much. One particular time when we went to a grief group and the moderator did not control well meaning people trying to give us advice and force us to share.

IF YOU ARE IN ANY CIRCLE, PLEASE GET HELP FOR YOURSELF

One of the best things you can do in support of someone’s grief is to recognize how the tragedy has affected you and get help for yourself so that you can be there for the parents. Ideas that have worked for our community include:

• Yoga and exercise (especially golf in my family)

• Talking to friends and family

• Counseling for a brief time (especially if you have had other recent losses)

• Prayer for peace for yourself

• Walks in nature

• Special points if you use this opportunity to build a spiritual relationship with the child that passed away by putting a picture on your fridge and using it for positive inspiration to have a great day. looking for signs from him or her, wearing a little bracelet, or lighting a candle

This is, in no way, saying that the parents are not in the most need of support. But it was a comfort to me to know that my caregivers were also caring for themselves so I didn’t feel like a burden weighing them down. I was able to ask for further help if I knew that that person was strong enough for the both of us right now.