Grief Retreat: What I Took Away from Golden Willow About Child Loss
Golden Willow is a peaceful place to process and to learn strategies to move forward.
After Tepley passed away, a good friend sent me the book Once More We Saw Stars. I found connection not just in their daughter Greta’s sudden passing, but specifically in the loss of a toddler. As I read about these parents’ will to connect with Greta and each other, I came across the story of their time at Golden Willow Retreat.
Golden Willow describes itself as a sanctuary for loss, transition, and recovery. For us, the experience allowed us time away from our day-to-day to grieve and gave us strategies to process and to move forward together.
The non-denominational chapel is used for yoga, meditation, and other ceremonies of connection.
“I’m a Man of Science.”
After reading the book, I brought up the idea of going to Golden Willow to my husband. While he was open-minded to trying something together, he was curious about how he would feel about a week-long stay and a multidisciplinary approach. '“Massage sounds good and therapy makes sense, but spiritual healing and reiki?”
On our first day after a long therapy session, we were getting started with a healer named Jim, and he asked us about our spirituality. I talked about my upbringing (Christian - Methodist), my current beliefs (more like Christian - Episcopalian), and things I was interested in adding. I outlined my interest in learning more about my husband’s faith (Judaism), as well as traditional and Eastern perspectives on connecting to the Spirit.
Then Jim turned to my husband who had been sitting quietly in support. He waited for Jim to ask specifically, “And how would you describe your spirituality.” Then he laughed and said, “I’m a man of science.”
Overview
I start with this story because the goal of Golden Willow is to help you find your own connections, your own path. I’m not going to fully describe the process because some of the benefit is in experiencing in the moment. But here are some of the elements that defined our experience.
You need to have an open mind - Ted, the founder, has had a profound grief journey, and he sits with you to talk through new ways to think about building a healing process. But there are many different types of therapies for mind, body, and spirit to see what might break through for you. It’s intentional for you to try something you haven’t before - if you were healed with what you were already doing, you wouldn’t need a grief retreat.
It’s about wanting to move forward - I could have come to Golden Willow sooner after Tepley died; I think it would be helpful at any time. But it was useful for me to have processed some of the initial shock in order to be able to be ready to think about next steps. We came at three months, and it seemed like the right timing for us.
Spirituality (of whatever type) is central - Losing your child is a soul-crushing experience. The spiritual experiences are non-denominational (atheists welcome!), but addressing the soul is critical to addressing the wounds and the healing. I really benefited from thinking about new ways to access and develop my own spiritual practice.
There is a large care team - One of the things that is so valuable is that there are specialists in each of the disciplines, so you are able to see what resonates at that time. There is also tight coordination, so the treatment can be more integrated.
There’s a time commitment for a reason - If you are already doing counseling or a grief group weekly or monthly, you know that talking to someone is critical for healing. But it’s hard to process for only an hour and then head back to work. So you go to a retreat to be able to get deeper and release more, in addition to having the time to think about the future.
The setting is very simple and calming - I was coming from New York City, so anywhere is fairly calm. But the complex outside Taos is a comfortable, quiet place to reflect. I wouldn’t say it’s ‘no device’, but it’s very ‘low device’ - which we were very happy with.
We built a plan forward, together.
What WE Took Away
Rather than talk about all the activities, here’s what I brought home. We all start from different places, so the takeaways are also personalized.
She is still with us - The goal that drove me to contact Golden Willow was to find ways to connect with Tepley. I couldn’t bear to keep looking for her in a way I would never find her, and I was anxious for a more spiritual answer. I now feel her constantly and have ways to build our relationship over time.
Acknowledging is not acceptance - For me, the hardest part of wanting to heal was feeling like I was ‘accepting’ what happened to my baby. The word seemed so wrong for how I felt. But in walking through an updated version of the phases of grief, I felt more connected to my process.
I acknowledge that my precious Tepley is no longer in my physical life and that I need to move forward.
I have to get closer to my purpose for being here - Some people feel like they have to live because of their child, but I just wanted to go be with her wherever she was. It was in thinking more deeply about my purpose in this life that I was able to see a reason to stay - including building a bridge to Tepley.
I needed a multi-dimensional recovery plan - I used to spend hours steaming peas and folding little leggings - and now I spend those hours balanced between activities that celebrate Tepley and other things focused on healing. It is a lot of work to heal. To feel better, I decided to commit to more than a dozen small things to process.
And a good plan requires a great team - The quality of the team - at home or at the retreat - is what makes recovery possible. In New York, I now have two loss-mom texting buddies, a grief group, a counselor, a psychiatrist, a massage place, and a reiki healer - not to mention my amazing friends and family. (Thank you, thank you to everyone!)
The one thing that particularly resonated is that I don’t have to live for her - she is enough as she is. But I don’t want the only story of her to be that she is gone, and her mother fell apart forever. That’s not why she was here.
Her amazing story has made my life rich and so full of love. And I am here to continue to build on what she brought to me.