Building a Sacred Space to Connect
By building a sacred space, her room went from being a place with only memories of a life lost to a comforting place of connection.
I first went to Tepley’s resting place the day of her funeral. My husband, sister, and friends had researched and found a beautiful space with trees and flowers - but I couldn’t bring myself to go before I had to. The shock and the pain were too overwhelming. So when I walked with everyone else to stand next to her casket, I wondered if this is the place that I would come for the rest of my life to be with my baby. It’s a beautiful place, but to me, it mostly represents her death and that she is gone.
In talking to other loss families, parents have different ways of having a physical place to stay connected to their child. Some keep their child’s bedroom intact or others keep their child’s clothing or playroom as it was when he or she passed away. For me, the pain of this strategy was too triggering. Every time I walked near a place that was intact, it was like she had just disappeared. She was missing, and I needed to find her.
A week after we lost her, I asked my family to box most of her things up and call the storage company to come get them. But it wasn’t enough. The empty space - her room and the rocker that I used to feed her her milk before bed - became dark, overwhelming parts of the apartment I couldn’t enter.
Tepley at Golden Willow
Finding a New Way to Connect
It wasn’t until three months later, when we went to the Golden Willow grief retreat, that I realized I could make a space to spend time with her in a new way. They have a space to remember loved ones in their small chapel, and I felt a sense of peace with her there.
Not that this idea was, in any way, close to the life I wanted with her. But in my Christian tradition (as in others), there is a belief that her spirit is now free and that she is still with us.
At this retreat, they reminded us that relationships with our angels are two-way. If you create space and invest time, the relationship will grow. She is with me all the time and I see signs of her, but it’s also built on my love for her to create a new space for us to be together.
Elements of my sacred space
This space started with just a few of the items people had brought or sent, but now, every time I find something that would help my relationship with her, I put it in.
It’s gotten to the point where this space is a little jam-packed, but I like it that way. It’s like everything new adds a dimension of our life together.
My sacred space with Tepley is now one of my favorite places in the house.
Pictures - To be honest, I started with a picture that my friend Ellen sent after printing it out, but then I got my favorite picture printed on wood.
Gifts from Friends - People sent us such beautiful mementos, and while at first I was nervous I wouldn’t have a place for them, here they remind me of that community that was so strong after she died.
Memorial lantern - A sweet loss parent sent us this lantern that we now put out in the living room for Tepley’s angel day.
Plaque - One of Tepley’s amazing teachers gave us a sign from Psalm 91.4.
Angels - These angels were sent by two friends in the weeks after and now remind me of her.
Faith items - These are specifically Christian items for me to give me faith and comfort.
St. Francis plaque - After our trip to the grief retreat in New Mexico, I fell in love with these beautiful retablos of the saints from Taos. I got a large one of St. Francis to connect Tepley’s space to my expanding spiritual practice.
Tin cross - Also in New Mexico, I found this small tin cross which brought together the different traditions I experienced in our time there.
Spiritual items - These are new items for me as I find other ways to connect to God and to Tepley (thanks all to sharing them with me!)
Rose quartz prayer beads - A good friend sent a set of rose quartz prayer beads that were given to her for healing when her brother died. I now use them for my prayer list.
Stones and rose quartz for healing - I got so many different types of stones for healing and protection, including a peace prayer pebble.
Pema Chodron’s Awakening Loving- Kindness - I’m working on several books right now, but this one is the easiest to find a good message in only a page or two.
Candles - I have now become a candle addict. Lighting them is like a way of greeting her every time I do it. I light them in our living room every morning and in her sacred space, when I am sitting here.
I love these beeswax candles (and Tepley really loved bees) that our counselor Marcella hooked us on.
I have a basket of extra tea lights in multiple locations and matches everywhere.
Incense - Growing up Methodist, incense was not something I had much experience in, but it has become a calming way to trigger in a positive way. When I smell it, I am in a more spiritual place with Tepley.
This company in California has the most wonderful, natural varieties, and Sweetgrass is known for bringing positive and healing energies.
At first, I felt like building a sacred space was only something people did to worship. But in building this place with Tepley, I have a place where I start every day - both in prayer and meditation and also in seeing and talking to my little angel.