Prayer Ties and Grief: Weekly Non-Denominational Healing
‘Prayer’ ties… little balls of intention.
My husband and I come from different faith traditions, so when we lost our baby, we didn’t have the same rituals to connect with her and with each other. In losing the most precious, perfect thing in your life, you want to do your best not to also lose your partner.
So we went to Golden Willow Retreat, and for her birthday, we sat with our healer Jim and created some prayer ties together. It was a calming, non-denominational way to connect and to release some of our deep emotions.
What Are Prayer Ties?
I’m definitely not an expert - and there are many more authoritative sources - but for us, prayer ties are a weekly ritual to sit together and offer up intentions, prayers, and thank you’s.
Basically, they are little pinches of tobacco, balled up in cotton squares, and then tied with string into a line. We sit for 20 minutes in quiet, we each create and string together 8-10 balls of intention, and then we blow our breath into them and put them in a bowl - done!
Why tobacco? (Allison… we shouldn’t be supporting tobacco companies.) Great question! Tobacco is used by people native to this area both because it absorbs and because it’s easy to burn/release. Tobacco absorbs water, and the thinking goes that it also absorbs other things - like prayers, intentions, etc.
What are all those colors? (This activity looks complicated...) So some traditions do this with just one color, like red, but we learned a version with multiple colors which adds another dimension. The colors correlate to aspects of the world, and the idea is that when you connect your intention to a larger concept, your prayers get more power. Here are the colors we learned:
Yellow is associated with the east, and like the sunrise, connects to new beginnings, birth, early stages, and childhood.
Red is associated with the south and connects to adolescence, growth, passion and relationships, and your work life.
Black is associate with the west and connects to adulthood, reaping the benefits of hard work, and gathering and using knowledge.
White is associated with the north and connects to elderhood, wisdom, and those in the spiritual realm.
Green is understandably connected to Mother Earth, and she’s all about healing and growth.
Blue is for Father Sky, and that big blue expanse relates to inspiration, awe, and humility.
Purple connects to the unknown - to faith and to spirituality.
So as an example, when I am sending prayers and thanks for my nephews, I use yellow. When I am sending love and support to my husband in his work, I use red. When I am thankful for our parents being able to enjoy the fruits of all their labor, I use black. And when I am focused on my health and creating a cozy place for another baby, I use green.
What you need: Some fabric, tobacco, and string. Bonus: smudge stick.
What Do You Need For Prayer Ties?
There is a little bit of preparation in getting the supplies together, but once you do it a couple of times, it gets a lot easier.
7 in by 7 in (or so) squares of cotton cloth - The fabric I’ve gotten was labeled “cotton broadcloth” but any regular, thin cotton will do. It’s like the same cotton you would use for quilting.
Note - Some people use much smaller pieces, like 2X2 inches.
Tobacco - I probably should have ordered ‘ceremonial tobacco’ off the internet from some cozy Etsy seller, but instead, I took my first trip to an NYC smoke shop and tried to describe that I just wanted the ‘least expensive” tobacco that looks like it’s from traditional sources.
Knowing that I was going to do a lot of prayer ties, I got a 150g tin of Natural American Spirit tobacco from the Santa Fe Natural Tobacco Company.
Cotton string for tying - Got this at the hardware store.
Smudge stick (bonus!) - This is definitely not required, but scent has been getting me into a spiritual place and smudging is another new, cool thing we learned at Golden Willow.
You can get a smudge stick at most natural stores or order one on line. If you can think of a store that might have crystals, it probably also has smudge sticks.
The yellow, red, black and white represent the four directions, and the other three go in the middle.
The Process - It’s Actually Really Easy!
Here are the steps, which for us takes about 20 minutes. We do it every Sunday before I go to my Compline service to end my week, and my husband settles into the couch for some quiet time.
Put the squares of cotton out in a little formation - We were taught to put the yellow, red, black and white at the four corners (for the directions), and then the green, blue, and purple in the middle.
We sit on a blanket to create a little space, but our healer surrounded the ceremony with natural objects (branches, etc.) We just like that it feels like a special spot.
Cut a string of 2-3 feet for each person - You’ll adjust once you see how many you like to do in one sitting.
Get out the tobacco and put it in a bowl - We pour the tobacco in a bowl so it’s easy to get to.
Optional: Smudging - You take your smudge stick, light an end, and go around your whole body with the smoke. That’s it. Extra bonus if you use a feather to waft the smoke onto you (advanced level stuff!)
Then the group begins the process in silence
Start with a pinch of tobacco and a cotton square.
With eyes closed, put the tobacco in the square and focus your intention or prayer silently.
Once the prayer is complete, twirl the tobacco in the cotton until you’ve created a ball around the tobacco. It’s a little like a tootsie pop ghost, if you’ve ever seen one.
Tie the first part of the strong around the 'neck’ of the prayer tie until it’s secure.
Repeat with a new piece of cotton and tobacco until you run out of string.
Once everyone has completed their string (maybe 6-8 ties), you ball the set in your hands and blow into it, giving it your breath and your spirit.
Then everyone puts their ties in a joint bowl, and you release those prayers and intentions to your higher power - God, the Universe, the Divine Spirit.
That’s it. We finish feeling lighter and connected, which is so valuable on a Sunday evening.
What do we do with them now? Well, that’s actually the last step that’s a little more challenging. At some point, you need to burn them to truly release their power. But living in NYC, we' don’t have easy access to a place to burn a huge bowl of tobacco, cotton and string.
So you can burn it yourself (backyard, fire place), but we’ll be saving it to take to Tennessee where we’ll have another ritual - releasing these prayers with family.