Adding More Healing After Child Loss
Losing a child is an endless set of challenges. Transforming an in-person love to a spiritual connection is difficult and definitely not the Plan A you were hoping for. And no matter how much suffering you are able to release, there will be pangs of pain as you miss your baby.
For my mom’s big birthday, we went to a mindfulness retreat. We billed it as a spa weekend because there was, in fact, a spa, but the goal was to try some new things to invest in ourselves after a rough year. That said, the word mindfulness to me sounded a little indulgent when I got there - “I’m mindful enough. I’ve got things to do.”
In this journey, this is my second time to get away from our daily life to look for more perspective. I wrote my first version of the list of healing ideas from our grief retreat three months after Tepley died, but I am in a different place now and need to keep adding more to move forward. In addition to experiencing unforgettable moments with my mother and sister, I had some new takeaways:
Treat Your Body Better than you Treat Your Car
Go to a healing retreat and you will invariably end up doing a couple of workouts every day - a yoga, a hike, maybe a class all on stretching or balance or foam rolling. Then this retreat even had even more sessions on better skin care and plant-based cooking. There were literally an endless number of ways to add new ideas - and better focus - to your daily activities.
Focusing on your body is what you come to a retreat to do, and for me, it could not be more different than my current checklist mentality. Breakfast - check. Yoga - no time for the full 45, let’s do 20 … is it over yet?
But after she died, I realized that I didn’t even want to shower any more. Quick manicure when my hands were haggard? No, thanks. I didn’t need to get to the indulgent spa level of care to realize that I could find ways to enjoy more moments in my day.
Just spend a little more time cooking - In trying to stay alive, I ate a lot of peanut butter. From the jar. But after a few days of eating healthful food with more flavor, I made a commitment to make at least one new meal a week with my husband. Shoveling in the same old thing leaves me taking the food and the opportunity of meals with others for granted.
Add more cardio AND strength training - I think we all know that exercise makes us feel good in the moment and contributes to long-term health. I actually do these things already, but not thoughtfully. Especially in the face of suffering, the strength and flexibility from a practice like yoga matched with the intensity of release from cardio started to feel like more of an investment than an obligation.
Wash your face - As someone with very light skin, I have always been a (loud) advocate of skin care and sunscreen. That is I was until my baby died. Then I just didn’t care. What was the point? So I just needed to hear someone say that you need to wash your face every night (and moisturize!) to snap me out of it. Your face is the way you share your light with the world, so give it 30 seconds a day.
Find NeedED Space to Process
We live in New York City, and the energy and pace make it easy to push past (push over?) almost any emotional issue. The work environment always has a next level to focus on. Then there’s always a new restaurant or gym class or kid’s experience that you can seek out for new stimulation.
I have a friend in New York who is extremely professionally successful, but she is starting to feel the pain from her past creeping in. After 20 years in the City, she’s finally ready to take the time to talk to someone. Then in Tennessee, I have a friend who was pushing his wife for a third child after he got his dream job and dream house but was still unhappy. He just wants to have something to distract him.
Wherever we are, we medicate - even with good things. Nothing like 5 days with no TV and almost no devices in the desert to see what we haven’t been willing to see.
Get quiet - Meditation is very hard for me, and so I have avoided it. My mind fights the quiet with to-do lists, fears, and questions. But the only way to hear your inner voice and to connect to your higher power is to give it some space. At this retreat, we tried lots of different meditations to see what works the best for each of us. Turns out I need guided meditations (love my Headspace app!) and a really comfy seat, but whatever works… I found some peace.
Take time for grass and trees (or for cactuses and sunrises) - Since I was a little girl, I have loved the energy of the City and sort of feared hiking (bugs? snakes? ax murderers?). But being from Tennessee, when I get home to the grass and trees, I do feel my entire body relax. It’s one level to just live in a green place, but the next level to seek out the healing qualities of going outside specifically to connect with yourself and with the essence of life. In Japan, they call nature walks ‘forest bathing,’ which I think gives them the flair that maybe I have been missing.
CONTRIBUTE YOUR GIFTS
One of the ways to give meaning to your life when it is hard to go on living is to rediscover your purpose. We had learned about the importance of purpose in grief survival at Golden Willow grief retreat, but there is so much more in honing in on the gifts that we are uniquely suited to give.
In one session, we sat down only to be asked, “Why are you here?” Um, why are we in these chairs? Why are we on the earth? But the question came down to what is the meaning of your time on this planet, and the answer came out as giving what you are uniquely able to give - to your family, your community, to your higher power.
And the areas that you are best suited to contribute are often those that you had to fight the hardest to develop.
Your purpose often comes from your struggles - Taking the time to look at the lessons which have been the hardest won for you show where you are best suited to be a teacher. If you have had to learn to be more empathic or to overcome consistent setbacks, then perhaps those are the areas where you can daily support others.
Balance your essence - Another way to give more is to be centered in your core. Finding strength in the calm that is balancing out what is naturally strong for you. Are you more of a hummingbird who goes from task to task but then gets anxious? Or more of a potato who is naturally content but then can get sluggish and depressed? The Ayervedic teachings of India categorize these into three types, but even just evaluating for yourself what will balance you in your routines, diet, and environment is a good place to start.
Build Your Faith
Whatever you call your higher power - Compassion, God, Great Spirit - it’s faith and hope that get you through this dark time. Some people say that religion is only the balm of the masses, and that might be the case, given that I needed more balm for my soul than any time in my life. But also, for me, the soul and the force that connects us all are so tangible that I’m now looking for more and more ways to connect to God and my higher self.
Experiment with new spiritual practices - God, our angels, and spirits loves to connect with us - at least that’s where I’ve gotten. The goal of this week away was to be more mindful, and one of the ways to do that was to try different things and see what would be help build that connection. So this week, I got a mother’s blessing to help me forgive, considered how many ways Tepley can and does enter my life, and just sat in prayer to live in the moment. For me, faith that I am following a path - the path - that we are all destined to follow brings peace.
Connecting science and faith - For those who want to dig deeper in the connections between the creation and movement of life, I’ll point you to reading on physics and faith, which one of our teachers discussed as Quantum Consciousness.
So many things to add to this journey - trying to make meaning from this unthinkable loss through making myself a better vessel for all the good things we can share with each other.
In addition to general lessons, I also went to the desert to connect with Tepley - and hopefully to get signs from her. To do my part, I planned an experience learning about bees (which she loved) - especially focusing on their conservation. I sat in awe as one singled me out over and over, ignoring the other people in our session, and landing calmly on my forehead. The bee guy assured me that this was a forager bee and so had no interest in stinging me.
Tepley’s definite favorite animal is the owl, and I had been hearing them since I arrived in Arizona. On the way to see the bees, our bee guy pointed out the two owls (they mate in pairs) high in a tree - and we were amazed.
It was only on our last morning, headed to our final stretch and meditation that the owl came to us - sitting on a low limb, wooing at us, showing us that he knew we were there.
The bees we went to learn about in Tepley’s honor.
The owl who came to find us.